Red Dirt Farm and Studio

Dear friends, I wanted to tell y’all that while I have been away from blogland, Mother Cottage passed away.

Monday, was the first day since her passing that I had the day to be alone.  No Mr. Cottage by my side.  No family.  No friends.  Just alone.

I needed that day.  A day to mourn in my quiet way without witness.

There were very few tears.  I’ve cried enough of them in the past few months and weeks and days to last, well until the next crying jag.

I had quiet time to feel the spirit and love of my mother.

I embraced all that is her – in me.

Yep, that’s mother cottage with me.

Yes, it is ironic, since I spent so many years rolling my eyes and sighing when someone mentioned, “you are just like your mother.”

There is an empty sadness in my heart that will be with me for the rest of my life.  Yes, I know that the days will get easier with time.

There is also a full happy heart for all that is and was my mother, and that will never go away either.

I’m not going to sugar coat this and tell you the last years with her were great, because they were not.

Alzheimer’s robbed her and our family of so much.

Father Cottage was completely dedicated to her.  My friend captured this photo a few years ago, of them walking hand in hand as they always did.

They had 60 years, and one month together.

My uncle passed away just before my mother, and while my father was  out-of-state attending his memorial I had a few days to spend with my mother getting to know her as a person.

Not as my mother.

  It was an eye-opening experience; an exercise in discovery and it made me weep with sadness and joy.  I will always treasure that time alone with her.

I painted her nails.

And played dress up with her in the most silly of hats that she used to wear many years ago.

We took selfies.

And she smiled her beautiful smile that had been lost in recent years behind a veil of fear and lost cloudy memories.

On this day she knew who I was and she responded lovingly towards me.

For a moment she remembered a song she sang to me when I was a child.

She had a beautiful singing voice and it all came back, ever so fleetingly.

In a blink of an eye, she was lost again in her own world.

It is healing to share with you my friends, the words I can’t speak in person because they catch in my throat and roll wet down my cheeks.

Many of you have been so kind and generous in sharing your memories and experiences of dealing with grief and coping with the loss of a loved one.

 I hope I can do the same for someone else at some point.

See you later, Bye!

Kim