Oh my, it’s been awhile, hasn’t it?
The first frost of the season arrived during the night, covering our little farmstead with a white sparkling blanket of chill.
Warm freshly laid eggs are in my pockets keeping my fingers warm as I unlock the coops and head out to open the farm stand. Each step is crisp and a bit slick with a thick coating of frost.
Changing weather with frost on the way found me picking the last of the season’s bounty this past weekend, followed by a flurry of activity in the kitchen. Producing so many quarts and pints of chow-chow enough to last us and the rest of the county through the winter months. Where in the world will I store all this?
Peppers have been roasted and dried and canned and still, there is a very large basketful waiting for me to turn into something. I also have a large box full of pears we picked last night. I’ll begin work on those shortly. Pear jam and pear butter. The last of the flowers have been cut and brought inside for one last bouquet. It is always bittersweet to put the gardens to rest for the next few months.
During my hiatus from this place, I had many days of quiet with no words, just trying to get through. There hasn’t been room for reading or writing. Just survival. Truth is, I have been in a very dark place. I need to acknowledge this. I live my life trying so hard to be positive and grateful for all the good things, that I was living a lie. I spent so much time putting on a happy face and trying to be there and be positive for other people; I wasn’t being honest with myself. I wasn’t able to fully embrace and accept that a lot of crappy ass shit has happened in my life in recent years. I’m not saying I’ve got it any worse than anybody else, I just wasn’t acknowledging these truths and facing them as they needed to be faced. Then hurt and anger took over. I’m working hard each day with this truth.
Seasons have come and gone. So much life and death have happened. So many decisions have been made and many more left unresolved. So many changes.
A lot of it.
One thing is for sure things won’t and can’t remain as they have been here at Red Dirt. What exactly our lives will look like is unknown.
I want to say hello, but I’m not sure what to say. Maybe just test the waters. Is there anyone out there? Am I able to write again? Am I able to listen again? Am I able to share again?
So many stories – good ones and not so good too.
It’s all trick and no treat, Mr. Cottage and I have another big challenge to face that is going to take our all to get through. He will be having surgery on Halloween and will be as they say “laid up” for at least the next 6 months. At least six months without an income. A long road to recovery and obstacles to face. My heart hurts for him and what he is about to go through. Wish it could not be. I’m scared too.
But this is our life and we must find the courage to embrace it. All of it, and to acknowledge tough times are ahead for us.